“Run” down Memory Lane: a Sunday Confession

There is a jukebox in my head. 
Well, no, that’s just silly.
Truth is, there is a little chick who lives in my brain and she’s in charge of finding things.
This chick digs music. I imagine that for her the songs are somehow tied into the filing system. I don’t get how it works, but it’s totally clear that her system is musical.
So when I hear a word like “run” the chick in my head fires up the old laptop. She does a search & then she just starts hitting play.
First Pink starts things off singing Where I can run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere…
Next thing I know the chick has mashed up Just Like a Pill with Brian Adams Run to You. And frankly, it’s not working. All I’m getting from this is a headache & crowd of long smokey evenings spent at the pub.
Maybe I’ve got no…. Wait?! What’s this? Snow Patrol? Oh, I could listen to this song all night…
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear
Again I recall nights at the pub when the song first hit in the US. The band was a favorite of the bartender & so it was on a loop.
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Flash forward (or back?): 
I was pregnant with Girl. Still working, I had a long commute & spent a lots of car time listening to music. Three or more hours, without distractions, to just think. It was a dubious luxury. 
Somehow in all that time spent alone with my thoughts and heightened hormones, I became paranoid that I was going to die delivering my daughter. And I was terrified that my son would feel betrayed. 
Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
All I want’s to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads
I knew I had to get past it, but i had no idea what to do? My Boy was only 18 months old when the Girl was born. How do you convey a lifetime of love to someone so young? Preparing him for the new baby was hard enough, and I here I felt like he was going to gain a sister and lose his mommy in a terrible swap.

Have heart, my dear   We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days   Making up for all this mess
I thought about it all the time.
Until one day I found the lovely children’s book I Love You Through and Through. I had found my solution. I inscribed it: “For my darling Boy – with all my love. xoxo Mommy” 

Then I packed it in my hospital bag. A true token of his mother’s love, ready to be given to my son when he came to meet his baby sister. 

Even if I wasn’t there to give it to him. 
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

3 thoughts on ““Run” down Memory Lane: a Sunday Confession

  1. Awww, this is awesome. My best friend gave that book to my first daughter for her first birthday… I love it too.

    I was paranoid I would die in labour too. Yeeesh!

    Thanks for sharing and linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s